i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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