So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
