Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
