she woke up with a sticky ear
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
