I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
