If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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