I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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