dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
