my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
