Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
