If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
