So I think I might still secretly love him despite the ass licking...
Hey ass licking is a very nice and intimate thing! Don't discredit your feelings
But what if he licks everyones ass?
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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