4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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