I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
