I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
