this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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