I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
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