thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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