Im at strip club and am horny
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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