If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
