If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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