my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I lost the right to judge tonight
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
