My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
