Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
