I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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