I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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