So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
