you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
