The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Randomize
