I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
