Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
