So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
