There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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