my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
