dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize