I think my fart just growled at me.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
