So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
