Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
