I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize