Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
