no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
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