I'm lost and stupid without you.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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