so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
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