Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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