What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
