i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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