I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
