I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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