maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I wish I only lived at night.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
