Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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