She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Randomize
