We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize