THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
