worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I need moral support for this bender
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
