What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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