is your mom at the bar?
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
