Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Randomize
