Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
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