The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
