I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Randomize